is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize