I heard we made out
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
