Yo dont text me then not text me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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