Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
