I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
