She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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