he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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