I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
