How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
