Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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