Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
