Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
