Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
