i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
