I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
