On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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