Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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