Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
