i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
