You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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