After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
