You really coming over, don't trick.
return my video game
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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