That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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