My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
