I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
