Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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