if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Is Oprah even human
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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