you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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