Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize