It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
