exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
