a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
