Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
