Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize