I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
