I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
