If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
