when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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