I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I am mentally ready for anal.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
