Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
