Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
