My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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