Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I think I just sharted jello shots
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