Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
