I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
