Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
