She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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