I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
