just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She bit a glass in half.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
