Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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