Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
