I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
