not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
