I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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