so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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