The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
