god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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