I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
